Geek Squad Acceptance Letter

Dear Geek Squad Applicant,

Congratulations! You have been selected as a New Recruit for Best Buy’s Geek Squad Class of 2020! By joining Geek Squad, you will be choosing a path of righteousness: to serve yourself and your community through quality on-demand tech support. Based on the results of your aptitude test and information we’ve gathered secretly via your smartphone, we have determined that you would be a perfect fit for our organization.

Our Story:

Geek Squad was founded in 1906 by a man named Nikola Tesla. Originally named “Tech Illuminati”, the group’s name was eventually changed in an attempt to appear friendlier to the general public. While the name has changed, our organization’s purpose has remained consistent: to protect humanity from technology and the unspeakable horrors it can bring if mishandled.

What exactly does it mean to be a Geek? “Geek” is actually an acronym:

As the masters and actual gods of tech, it’s up to us to make sure technology is being used for good and not for destruction. In the past, Geek Squad has helped prevent catastrophes such as famines, wildfires, pandemics, and nuclear wars — all by providing friendly and efficient tech support when needed.

We understand you may have heard some rumors about Geek Squad and the intense lifestyle that Geeks live. It is true that roughly one-third of all Geeks survive their service in the Squad. Statistically, two-thirds of all of the recruits receiving this letter will die on the job; some of you will be decapitated by a flatscreen TV, and the others will get locked in a smart fridge and freeze to death. Though serving in the Squad is certainly dangerous, we believe the rewards far outweigh the risks! There is truly no nobler way to die than to do so while providing excellent tech support.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: How well does Geek Squad pay?

A: You will never want for the rest of your life.

Q: Is Geek Squad affiliated with the United States Military?

A: Not anymore.

Q: Will I ever see my family again?

A:

In the package this letter came in, you will find your official Geek uniform: a short-sleeved white button-up shirt, a black clip-on tie, black pants, white athletic crew socks, and a pair of black leather lace-ups. By putting this uniform on, you are consenting to be immediately airlifted by the helicopter currently hovering above your residence. You will then be taken to Tech Island, our remote training facility, for Year One of our Geek Ranger School. Orientation will begin at sundown.

Thanks for reading, and we will see you on the island soon!

Sincerely,

Lt. Col. Daniel Motorola

Geek Squad Battalion #579

guy with dimples!!! contributing writer for The Chicago Genius Herald. he/him